"Two cheers for the pendulum!" shouted the big clown with frivolous glee. All the fellow clowns joined in and they honked little clown horns, blew on clown whistles and rainbow clown trumpets and Yikeman the clown even juggled a bit while wildly shreiking in the silliest voice imaginable.
This clownish fete of grotesque energy and visceral power, all took place on a wintr'y January evening.
I will now tell what I can with poetic embellishments of my own creation when neccessary:
"The 'Wannasee?' Conference"
The vacant brightness of day had sunk into a dark blue and night fell apon the clown shack once again. The air was crisp and vital and bit to the bone. As the 15 filed into the small room for the meeting, they stamped their iiregularly large shoes on the floormat beneath them and shook (with help of hand) some of the lingering melted snow out of the matted wigs. Calvin the clown took seven of his eleven pairs of polka-doted pants off. They had been soaked only minutes before, when in a moment of clowny inspiration, he had jumped off the top of the moving clowncar into a large snowbank on the side of the entrance road. This random act of clownness, of which at least 30 are required each day by Clown Law, solicited some silly cheers and flatulence sounds (and a couple blasts of the car horn) from his peers, but mostly left Calvin cold and wet. A deer who watched in the woods on the side of the front lawn ran off and his eyes glowed and darted back into the threads of branches and snow.
The shack was ancient and by all appearences, ancient. "Rustic"-A word used by many speakers of the English language, was often grabbed from the recesses of the mind to describe the structure. Dilapidated, yes, but both words mean nothing.
While the clowns never spoke to each other about what they were to discuss at this meeting, it was silently understood to be important. As always, we can only guess what ran through their heads during the conference. However, we do have a tape record.
The present author has not heard the tape record as it is currently being used as evidence in the ongoing trial. He has spoken with some of the clowns themselves, and some of the lawyers and members of the jury who have heard the tape and my story follows their testimony (private and public) closely. In order to give you the best idea on how to read the following paragraphs I must give you, the valued and curious reader, some quick ground rules:
1. All of this actually happened and is as I have said, based on testimony.
2. The poetic and artful nature of the piece is solely the work of the author
3. Clowns frighten many. If you are frightened by them,
A) Stop reading.
B) Continue reading, but CAUTIOUSLY.
C) Tell yourself that clowns are just as afraid of you are as you are of them. As, after all,
1) You ride in such big cars.
2) You cheer and laugh when they do something that causes them pain such as pants-dropping, or a unexpected Cocanut Cream Pie thrown at the face.
4. All of this is a lie and never happened.
One clown smoked a fake cigar. He was fat, slow, and named Buttler. Buttler served the clowns, now seated around a maroon, worn-wood table. Each was given a bowl of Cherry taffy and a large mug of grape juice, which was squeezed that morning at dawn by a blind gypsy woman who sang a Slovenian folk tune, as ancient as the air that was recycling and blowing her filthy brown hair:
nikar ne trošiti svoj nožnica...
She was now sleeping and having stupid dreams that were as dull as her blind imagination allowed her to have. She had no idea that those grapes were being enjoyed by the men who would make her laugh in a year and a day's time. She would laugh finally and meet a man who laughed also who would love her blind dirtiness and all at the carnival.
The clowns were quiet now. Before continuing they had a moment of silence for all the giraffes that had ever died.
You would think that such a meeting would be long and arduous. But we know that clowns are subtle creatures, and they live and communicate in a language of illusion and fleeting glimpses of reality. The meeting was over in 16 minutes.
They all spoke in disjointed and silly voices. Only one pie was thrown, and by Buttler the clown (who actually was a doctor before he entered into the Clownish Arts). It hit Highdick the clown square in the face and much to the solemn and more European clown's dismay at that (he already had crying make-up and a three day growth of facial hair painted on). He did not like Buttler's constant egging on about the disagreements he had about the plan.
But finally after a short deliberation it was decided. They called the plan the T-4 Laughination Protocol, or the "WannaSEE?".
The clowns would set up shop at a carnival and ask if the villagers to all come look. When they rounded up all of the men, women and children they would put on their show. Little audience participation occured, and the show would only involve the juggling, little bikes, prat falls and pies of typical clownfair fare.
The most important part of the performance (and the subject of the conference) was the end. The climactic buildup would be intense and men would fall to the floor shreiking in laughter and in pain at the amount of said laughing. But the time would come and the show would cuminate in this final and life-changing 15-clown shout to the audience:
"DO YOU WANNA SEE?????"
The audience would shout back "YES!".
At this moment, the clowns would pull down their huge, colorfully variant pants and underpants and reveal their hilarious secret-they had no male or female genitalia. On the peachy skin of the men there would be no pubic hair or any sort of protrubtion. The only thing that was there would be a painted single heart in between a silvery pendulum.
The audience would smile and love it and the clown's show would be complete.
The idea for the pendulum was the most brilliant of all. Yikeman thought of it after having a dream of being hanged after the Hebrew name for the number three was yelled.
As the meeting ended, Buttler shouted "Two cheers for the Pendulum". This was the beginning of happiness and the understanding that it is not "Why?", but rather it just "Is." And that to be AND not to be, was in fact the answer.
They took turns cutting themselves in their private areas and the blood flowed and squirted into a bucket that later that night was thrown in the woods.
The deer found it and drank it's contents and exploded into a star in another galaxy which we have not thought of a name for. It burns and flames and lights and spins and explodes. If you go outside you can see it but only if you look carefully above Phil's house.