Thursday, November 27, 2008

Meeting With a Hipster

Yes? Oh-it's you. Come right in.

How are you? Please, take a seat.

I will cut to the chase. I have been reviewing your performance recently, and I just wanted to give you some feedback so you know where we stand.

I've put the feedback in powerpoint form.


-You are doing a good job being a unique young person. Your clothes differentiate you from those of your parent's generation, and from young people who listen to different music than you.
-Those tight corduroy jeans you wear are hilariously tight BUT have enough pocket-space for various chains and Parliament cigarettes. SMOKING, SMOKING ALWAYS. If not smoking, thinking about it, if not thinking about it, sleeping, if not sleeping, working, if not working using paycheck to purchase cigarettes (and other drugs-though these are easily found at parties and that way you save for that new bike tire you've had your eye on, as well as that rock album you want so damn much) Also Patrick has been noticing that you wear the same boxers 3 days in a row. Excellent!
-Your vision isn't poor, but glasses must be utilized. Come on, we've gone over this. There are two types of glasses you can go for, both viewable here.

The man on the far right, near-sighted, needs his Elvis Costello glasses. This is choice A for a unique young person such as yourself. The choice B glasses can be seen on the man to his right. This man has fine vision, and wears them for style/saw other unique young people doing it/irony, but as you can see, they look fabulous. Not only are they incredibly ridiculous and ugly, they were the type of glasses preferred by middle-aged men with down syndrome in the 80s. As you know, those men were trailblazers in our field.


-I was notified by our mutual friend Dusty (via his mp3 blog) that you washed your hair last Thursday for a family wedding practice. Don't do that again
-Never wash your hair. The grease in your hair should begin to have reflective properties. Never wash it UNLESS, of course, someone at the Dirty Projectors show pours his PBR over your head when he catches you making out with his girlfriend.
-Beards and mustaches reminiscent of gay man on the Just For Men box are a must.


-What your friends read. You know the deal. Keep it up. The Lacan Reader is a bit suspicious though, as is the Deleuze. People might figure out you just bought them for a class at community college.


-Pitchfork, mp3 blogs. Music is fun to listen to, and you might think of getting an iPod with your check from Computer Warehouse. (Without bud earphones, which will look too much like plug earrings, which aren't cool any more. Are they still cool? I will get Cindy on the line to verify. I was sure they became totally gay again. These things are moving too fast for me! I must be getting old.)


When riding your old rusty 10-speed in front of Patrick's car on Hennepin, Franklin, Cedar and University avenues, be sure to use your malnourished, wispy Edward VI legs to work up no velocity or speed, forcing Patrick to slow down to 7 miles per hour until he can pass you by swerving into oncoming traffic. (By the way-while riding that bike-are you remembering to roll up one pant-leg and wear your kerchief scarf around your neck over that shirt that broadcasts your weak-chested, upsetting nipples in detail worthy of the Early Netherlandish School of painters?)

That is all for today. Any questions? No? You never have much to say. Well have a good day. We will keep in touch.


Blogger a said...

as a native you have experienced by now the great white migration at the uofmn. that's all it is, outstaters going to college in cities and wanting to fit in with city types. they fit in so well they're a staple of this place. pws has been in college too long, everyone seems like a hipster. saving money to buy music? guilty

6:00 PM  
Blogger Bobcat said...

Hipsters don't listen to Magma.

8:25 PM  

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