Thursday, November 27, 2008

Meeting With a Hipster

Yes? Oh-it's you. Come right in.

How are you? Please, take a seat.

I will cut to the chase. I have been reviewing your performance recently, and I just wanted to give you some feedback so you know where we stand.

I've put the feedback in powerpoint form.


-You are doing a good job being a unique young person. Your clothes differentiate you from those of your parent's generation, and from young people who listen to different music than you.
-Those tight corduroy jeans you wear are hilariously tight BUT have enough pocket-space for various chains and Parliament cigarettes. SMOKING, SMOKING ALWAYS. If not smoking, thinking about it, if not thinking about it, sleeping, if not sleeping, working, if not working using paycheck to purchase cigarettes (and other drugs-though these are easily found at parties and that way you save for that new bike tire you've had your eye on, as well as that rock album you want so damn much) Also Patrick has been noticing that you wear the same boxers 3 days in a row. Excellent!
-Your vision isn't poor, but glasses must be utilized. Come on, we've gone over this. There are two types of glasses you can go for, both viewable here.

The man on the far right, near-sighted, needs his Elvis Costello glasses. This is choice A for a unique young person such as yourself. The choice B glasses can be seen on the man to his right. This man has fine vision, and wears them for style/saw other unique young people doing it/irony, but as you can see, they look fabulous. Not only are they incredibly ridiculous and ugly, they were the type of glasses preferred by middle-aged men with down syndrome in the 80s. As you know, those men were trailblazers in our field.


-I was notified by our mutual friend Dusty (via his mp3 blog) that you washed your hair last Thursday for a family wedding practice. Don't do that again
-Never wash your hair. The grease in your hair should begin to have reflective properties. Never wash it UNLESS, of course, someone at the Dirty Projectors show pours his PBR over your head when he catches you making out with his girlfriend.
-Beards and mustaches reminiscent of gay man on the Just For Men box are a must.


-What your friends read. You know the deal. Keep it up. The Lacan Reader is a bit suspicious though, as is the Deleuze. People might figure out you just bought them for a class at community college.


-Pitchfork, mp3 blogs. Music is fun to listen to, and you might think of getting an iPod with your check from Computer Warehouse. (Without bud earphones, which will look too much like plug earrings, which aren't cool any more. Are they still cool? I will get Cindy on the line to verify. I was sure they became totally gay again. These things are moving too fast for me! I must be getting old.)


When riding your old rusty 10-speed in front of Patrick's car on Hennepin, Franklin, Cedar and University avenues, be sure to use your malnourished, wispy Edward VI legs to work up no velocity or speed, forcing Patrick to slow down to 7 miles per hour until he can pass you by swerving into oncoming traffic. (By the way-while riding that bike-are you remembering to roll up one pant-leg and wear your kerchief scarf around your neck over that shirt that broadcasts your weak-chested, upsetting nipples in detail worthy of the Early Netherlandish School of painters?)

That is all for today. Any questions? No? You never have much to say. Well have a good day. We will keep in touch.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Camille Paglia Sucks

Few people annoy me more than Camille Paglia. One of the people who annoys me more is a 11 year old boy named Billy who follows me around all day poking me and saying "Does this bother you? Does this bother you? Does this bother you?" But say what you will about little Billy- he never writes shit like this:

I like Sarah Palin, and I've heartily enjoyed her arrival on the national stage. As a career classroom teacher, I can see how smart she is -- and quite frankly, I think the people who don't see it are the stupid ones, wrapped in the fuzzy mummy-gauze of their own worn-out partisan dogma. So she doesn't speak the King's English -- big whoop! There is a powerful clarity of consciousness in her eyes. She uses language with the jumps, breaks and rippling momentum of a be-bop saxophonist.

Wow. That is, I mean, really dumb. The "be-bop saxophonist" line is a prime example of Paglia's tendency to write things that are incredibly, how does one say, wrong and dumb. I've heard hundreds of be-bop records, and I've heard enough of Sarah Palin talking to know that her style is more Charlie "Corky" Thacher on Life Goes On than Charlie Parker at Massey Hall. It has the "rippling momentum" of diarrhea; not Bud Powell's solo on "Dance of Infidels."
Here is how you write a piece by Camille Paglia: "I love talking about myself a lot and how I was controversial in the 80s and how I liked Madonna despite being a feminist (WHAT?! Did I throw you for a loopdy-doo there? That's what I do!) and I like to describe some lame-ass band like Jefferson Airplane as 'Dionysian' or some shit, and I like to ruffle all those wispy, girly feathers on the left and I'm in touch with popular culture please believe that please believe that I can bring up Botticelli when talking about Angelina Jolie I'm in touch and smart and opinionated and sassy. I like Matt Drudge and he's a maverick even though he refuses to acknowledge his own homosexuality because it would alienate all the mouth-breathing bigots who read his ugly site."

So, yeah, that's basically it I think. You know you are reading Paglia when you continually cringe at how lame she is when she tries to be cool ("like a be-bop saxophonist"=


My anger is mostly spurred by recently reading this thing about an anthology of poetry she put out. Oh it's got the cringe factor-the egotism, the lame pop cultural references, the sprinklings of "High Culture," along with that indefinable "high school teacher trying to be cool and dance with the students at Homecoming" quality. Anyways, It's about poetry. After reading it I actually want her to go back to writing 78 more pieces about how that award-show kiss between Britney Spears and signaled a rebirth of 5th century Athens in America or something. Her selections are often atrocious (i.e. "Howl is my favorite Allen Ginsberg poem"-Great choice! By any chance, is "Legend" your favorite Bob Marley album?), her taste is embarrassing (Bukowski over late Wallace Stevens? Yikes.) and her analyses are sub- 8th-grade English book report.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

November 4th, 2008